You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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