also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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