I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
