I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
