he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
