guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
