do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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