I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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