I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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