To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
