we're blogging at a bar
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
