Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
