And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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