My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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