I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
