I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
