What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
