I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
