its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Your penis caused this!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
