Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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