if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
