I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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