just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
