One girl and one boy is just not enough.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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