woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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