yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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