I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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