When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
