3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
