I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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