What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
