I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
