I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
