My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
