I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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