I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
