Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
