My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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