Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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