Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
