i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
