I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
