pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The adults are the big ones right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
