Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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