I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
