I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
