So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
