I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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