Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
