Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
