____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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