too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
